Sunday, September 21, 2014

I'm Looking For It

I was coming home from work and was pondering over the words of Asa in her songs Bibanke, the way I feel, and subway. I started having flashes of images that describes the scenery of those songs. Everything I saw and heard we're being used to accentuate the song. I began longing for home. I accelerated my pace. I couldn't wait to pour out my thoughts, I wanted to paint what I was seeing. 

My hands began to quirk as I slot in my key into the key hole, I knew I had to calm down. I left the key and took a deep breath, I felt my heart thumping, as if it was going to come out of my mouth. Finally, i opened the door as it squeaks. I turned on my TV, and opted that it reads from my drive, I dashed through the musics and selected to listen to Asa. I was intellectually famished, and Asa was my cuisine that could satisfy my hunger.

As the words began to splat out of the TV's speaker, the flashes began to emanate. I quickly rushed for my iPad, and sat in my couch, ad midst the soothing rhythm and was hoping for the words to flow. Once I get these flashes, I subsequently begin to have an ideation of words and thoughts, but this was not the case. I was getting the flashes but I couldn't coagulate the words together. 

I began to gawk at the cursor blinking with the hope that one sentence from any of Asa's song could resuscitate me. Before I knew it, I had spent almost half of the evening playing songs with no ideation. Where has my inspiration gone to? I asked myself. 

For the next few days I tried to wonder how I had always coordinated that transition from images to words. As much as I tried to work my way around it, i still couldn't write anything. Sincerely, I think I have lost my inspiration and I'm looking for it. I'm suspecting someone but don't want to say it to her face. I hope she realizes the harm she's done to me. 

She used to drive me inadvertently, she was a complete inspiration. Each time I wanted to write, all I needed to do is to convert the images into motion, in which I'm telling her the story, after which translating it into words becomes like writing a story I've heard before, the words so flow uninterruptedly. These days it isn't so. 
She's such a hard worker who loves what she does. Her passion easily exudes and affect those around her, she is the best person I have ever known. But now I can no longer picture her in my mind, and it has been the hardest time for me to write. I'm seriously searching for my inspiration. 

I'm also trying to avoid the dissuasion that, it might be within me, as Asa will say it in her song 360. Something could be within you, but a little drive could trigger it, and ho la la, here it springs up, like water from a dead spring. It's within me, but it needs to be triggered. Thank God we live in a world of varieties of preconceptions and persuasions, so everyone can see this from a totally different dimension. Here is it for me now.

I won't give up on it, even if the skies get rough, I'm giving it my all and still holding on. I don't want to be someone who walks away so easily, I'm here to find my drive and make the difference that I can make. In the end I know, even if I don't find it, I'll learn how to bend without the world caving in, and to learn what I'm not, what I've got and who I am.

Waiting For A Sign !!!

I woke up very early to do my chores so I could avoid the morning traffic that could keep one in it for hours. I had spent hours praying, and was sure filled with the Holy Spirit. I couldn't wait to get out of the house, it's was the day I was going to get registered for my national service at the service secretariat. I pressed my white shirt, and my faded jeans, I wanted something I could move in easily. I checked my time as I dash out of the house, it was 6am. I plugged my ear piece into my ears, and splatting into my ears were contemporary Christian music, that kept my spirit alive.

It took me about two hours to finally find the secretariat,somewhere in Tema community two. apparently I was arriving almost at the deadline for the service registration, and there were a lot of young people who were there. There was a long queue that I had to join and as you would expect from young graduates, there was this long conservation as to why we still have long processes and systems in this modern age. I couldn't spare myself from participating in such an exchange of ideas. Explaining with facts, how all these long processes could be cut short with simple applications that can be designed by national service computer science students. Moreover, I still kept my cool, as I often reflected on the prayer and the scripture I read in the morning. I intermittently looked through my Nokia E66, either reading an article or going through something I had written.

As I was engrossed with the activity of the day, moving along with the queue, a young sleekly dressed lady came to sit few meters away from where I was with her friends, in the same queue I was in. What caught my attention about her was when she brought out her phone, and it was the same as mine. I had hardly seen anyone use my kind of phone, and was quite fascinated about it. As the day progressed on, I kept stealing glances at her, of which she noticed, and from a mere glance, I often caught my self starring.  Since I was ahead in the queue, I had to leave into a room for another process. Whilst in the room, I stood by the window so I could keep close eye on her. She had notice my apparent disappearance, as I saw her turning left and right to find where I had vanished to. It then dawned on me that I was actually admiring the young girl and if I had no serious intention about her, then I better quit starring.

This became the war of the day, as my mind struggled to avoid being in the flesh and being consumed by the spirit. My morning prayers were very intense that I felt it even hours later. I found myself attracted to this girl, and believe that she also  felt the same. Should I go say something to her, or should I wait for a sign ?
This was the question that tried to put my piety to test. On one hand I felt so much in the spirit and didn't want to grieve the Holy Spirit, conversely, I was thinking a chemistry  had already started forming, each time we had an eye contact.
After four hours, I had still not made any choice, and she deliberately flaunting her self in a discreetly nuanced manner so I could notice. There I was unable to move, stock in my seat, and trying to discern from the Holy Spirit. I remember telling myself, If God is in this He'll surely give me a sign.

I had finished my registration and it was time for me to leave, but my instincts won't let me, so I sat on a bench close to the entrance, hoping to have an obscure view of her. Apparently, she had finished her's and was about leaving. She deliberately allowed her friends to leave and few minutes later, about half an hour, she began to walk to the gate. It was like a slow motion, and the slowest I have ever seen. She walked bit by bit hoping I would be loosed from my bondage and jump in front of her to say 'hello, how are you'. She must have imagined me being so shy, and the best way to help me was to delay the time for love at first sight. She spent quarter of an hour standing at the gate resting her shoulders on the pillar that held the gate, optimistically expecting that at least it would be so obvious for me, and the heavy POP over my mouth would be let loose. Whilst I was seriously contending in the spirit like Jacob had with the angel, saying unless you give me a sign I would not let you go.

She finally took a long gaze at me and began to go, my legs became so heavy, and my heart thumping as fast as possible, I began to inadvertently mumble tongues hoping that the holy spirit would show up quick before she vanishes into thin air. Right before my eyes, I saw her vanish, never to see her again, neither did I receive any sign from the Holy Spirit. All I told myself was, if she is mine, we'll meet again. It's been three and half years now and I'm yet to come across her shadow.

I'm literally laughing at myself now, what!, I mean what on earth could have overshadowed my mind to think like that. Seriously, did I really need a sign ?, what sign was more than all that she displayed. I wonder how I had become such a half or slow-witted person. This was one of those times I had come close to finding love, that I find myself contemplating between making the crowning move and the indecision of waiting for a sign. I'm sure the Holy Spirit was somewhere laughing out His head out, shaking his head, saying, I have given you... a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. I just can't believe myself, that I needed a sign, hmm, this incident opens up my mind to other opportunities I have had in my life where I sat overtime trying to conjure some kind of sign that will give me the approval to take that leap.